If there is one thing John does that can get under my skin, it’s when he feels inclined to remind me that he “is brain damaged.” I’ve looked at him before and said back, “What makes you think I forgot about that? I’m very well aware of that.” I, of all people, don’t need that reminder. However, things came to a head for our household this past week. It was a good reminder for all of us that he does have a brain injury and struggles.
The past month has been a very busy time for us and full of transitions. Those things combined lead to a slippery slope of symptomatic fuzzy and bad brain days for John. It’s honestly been awhile since John and I have both had so much going on that we both lost track of his abilities.
I suppose saying I’d lost track is not quite right. I kept watching John and all he has been juggling and adding to his plate and thinking that I was surprised that he was seemingly handling it all reasonably well. Finally though, he broke last week. It was one of those reminders for him and me that he can’t manage multiple things without repercussions. Even for me this time, even though I sort of saw it coming, it was a let down that he has this TBI. I hate feeling helpless. Then, I get irritated when I can’t let out my own frustration at his inability to see the train wreck about to happen. I get frustrated that he can’t manage his time better and just get it done. I get frustrated that this happens repeatedly and in similar ways.
I can’t recall what it was that I’d been doing that afternoon but I came home in a really good mood. Bouncy and ready to have a good evening with John. But, he was in a foul mood. It was an immediate buzz kill. I can’t even recall what it was that set John off — probably a call with the VA. It doesn’t really matter. It was an oppressive, what the hell, sort of feeling. I became frustrated too. I’d had a good day but couldn’t share that because John needed to vent and needed help sorting out things. Help he needed but was not yet willing to accept. It is so irritating when he does that. I want to help but can’t because he won’t let me. I know he needs my help but he won’t accept it. I nearly blurted out something like, “well, just enjoy wallowing then.” Those types of comments are better left unsaid. They are not useful nor kind and are honestly childish.
In the end, I let him vent and rage for the time he needed to get it out. We were able to get some sort of a game plan together for the long to-do list. He did accept some help. Many of the things he needed to do were things I could not help with but he finally started to incorporate Eva and me in and we were able to help. By the end of the week, we were all tired but in a better place, I think. At the moment, he is on a fishing trip and Eva and I are visiting family out-of-state. I’m hoping he gets some recovery time on this trip but we will see. When we all get home Sunday, he could still be amped up.
Time and the ability to get back into a routine and schedule will do wonders for John. There’s always a few times each year when things come to a head and this was one of those.
TBI Spouse (and Others) 
This is how things go in my too. I want to say so many things and know that doing do won’t help. We’ll just go down a rabbit hole. Like you I’m usually able to let him vent, then help him untangle. Which takes time. Nice to know others handle it the same way.
John often seems to have trouble when you are preparing for a trip. I am sure he is doing check off lists and such, but packing for a fishing trip (or any trip) is a huge mental load. Every time I take a vacation, I find I get a little frustrated with packing, and I also find changing hotels every couple of days is very discombobulating. I met a TBI survivor once who was having similar problems for her many day trip activities. She rode horses and went camping and hiking often, and switching out a backpack or tote bag could derail her day, so she set up separate packs for each type of activity. One for swimming, one for day hikes, one for each activity. The bags were always backed and ready to go. Another client had to travel for her work and she kept separate bags of toiletries and separate drawers for the clothes she needed for work. She said she found it easier to never have to sort out what she would need for the trip because it was already packed.