Positivity

Let’s speak about staying positive or finding joy and room for compassion even when times are really tough.

I am a positive person. I don’t mean that I am giddy or overly happy, not positive like that. I am a serious, quiet person; all-be-it with a quirkiness that some find to be endearing and some find to be annoying. Overall, I have a general positive outlook on life, including the bad moments.

It’s this aspect of my personality that I think is one of my greatest strengths when it comes to being in this situation. It also is tremendously helpful that I have a husband who is willing to give it his all every day and work towards trying to help out when and where he can and contribute to the team. If it weren’t for that too, I’m not sure we’d still be together.

Staying positive is a natural place I tend to land emotionally but there are times when it’s harder to do so. There’s times when a situation can feel so demoralizing that it feels like you can either throw in the towel or succumb to the misery.

I recall a time within the first year or two of John’s accident when I was driving home one day after work and, suddenly, I asked myself if I wanted to stay in the marriage. If I thought I could handle it or if I wanted something different for myself. I nearly pulled the car over. The thought was so sudden, as if someone else put it in my head. It took my breath away. Thinking back, this situation likely occurred after John and I started to really comprehend and understand that he wasn’t going to fully recover and that life was going to be different, and that with the aging process or another injury, things could get worse. I was seeing a therapist to help me navigate the grieving process and helping me to understand the new reality. Immediately, I gave the thought consideration. I realized that it was a moment I needed to be brutally honest with myself – a looking at the woman in the mirror moment. The minute I began to think about spending my life with someone else or a life without John in it (we didn’t have children at this point), was overwhelmingly repulsive. I nearly began to cry because it was a heartbreaking thought. I could visualize, and was eager, to experience my future with John even through the pain we were both experiencing at the time. I could not visualize my life without him. And, that was my answer.

I don’t know if it was that same day but I did tell John about this. I’m sure it scared the pants off him for a moment but then hopefully confirmed for him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Now, years later, I am grateful that I did not leave. John has by far been worth all the bad times. Even though life is a struggle at times with him, he supports me in all encompassing ways that I haven’t found before and I’m not sure I would be able to find in someone else again.

This is just one example of many. I think staying positive is really about making a decision to be positive, to look on the brighter side. I often say things like, “What lesson am I meant to learn with x situation?” I actively think about potential outcomes, in a positive way, and how a bad situation might help me be a better person or might be leading me in a new, better direction that I would not have otherwise gone. It is actually a pretty simple thing to do. It is difficult in the moment at times to not wallow in my own pity-party, and sometimes I spend way too much time in that wallowing, but I always rise out of it.

I think another thing that helps me rise above the muck is something I remind myself of often – I can only control my own emotions and own life. I cannot control other people. Realizing this in stressful or depressing situations offers a sort of serenity. It’s also a way to keep from getting too negative. After all, if I am in control of my emotions, then I can decide to stop letting something bother me.

Like I said before, staying positive and striving for a better outcome keeps me sane in this TBI journey. I think it also helps John to remain calm. In this way, I can at times be a guiding light for him. I can pull John out of a really negative, bad mood and get him laughing and smiling.