I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time – the need for people to compare the severity of their injury to someone else’s injury and categorize it against each other – competing over who has the worse injury.
I liken this to the same phenomenon as soldiers from the Vietnam War telling soldiers from the Gulf War that those younger guys have no idea what it was like. That Vietnam was much more traumatic and violent and stressful than anything the soldiers from the Gulf War experienced. Not having been a soldier and not having ever been in any sort of situation where death and dying is occurring around me, I really cannot say. Yet, isn’t the fear of being shot at and hearing and feeling bullets zip past you the same? Isn’t the smell of dead bodies and blood, and rot and decay and death the same? How then, can the emotions of a surviving soldier be really so insurmountably different that they couldn’t share in each other’s grief, pain, even excitements and good memories from their respective combat experiences? Thus, creating a greater support structure for themselves and others.
Or, why can’t oppressed people’s come together and commiserate in a shared talking circle. While a white woman experiencing discrimination vs a black woman experiencing discrimination vs a Native American woman experiencing discrimination may each have a unique story to tell, wouldn’t their experiences and feelings of powerlessness, anger, frustration, and injustice be similar enough that these diverse women could come together and work together to fight it? Fighting for all oppressed peoples instead of just white, black, or Native American oppressed women.
What is it about human beings that we feel the need to compete, especially on matters that really should not be a competition at all? I have no answers and I know the answers are not easy. However, maybe that’s not true. Isn’t the answer the ability to put aside anger, fear, mistrust and misunderstanding and find a space to come together and start the conversations, however difficult and painful, to begin to work towards understanding, honesty, and trust? I know that in itself is extremely difficult.
One painful example of this in John’s life has been from his uncle, now passed. John’s uncle had his own set of debilitating illnesses and struggles. They would talk often, usually with the conversation turning to the uncle’s worries. After John’s injury, his uncle began to compete with him over the need to talk and over the severity of John’s injury. His uncle even went so far as to claim that he too had a TBI and began to parrot to John the same issues, symptoms and treatment strategies that John had been sharing with him. His uncle at one point even went so far as to stop John mid-conversation and say, “Enough about you, let’s talk about me.”
John is not one to complain, which is a good trait but also a bad one. He will not complain about an injury or ailment until it is really, really bad. As his wife, I’m left often times looking at him and saying, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?!” His response, “Well, I didn’t want to worry you.” Or, “well, I thought it would get better.” Or, even, “I didn’t want to dwell on not feeling well.” So, for John to go to his uncle as a place to vent and talk about his worries, was a big deal. The fact that he abused that trust was painful.
My issue with the comparing of boo-boos is not so much the want to try to meet someone to commiserate with, it’s more when it turns into a thing to compete over for attention and sympathy. This is offensive to both John and myself, as John works hard to not garner sympathy for his injuries or the impact they’ve had on his life. It’s frustrating when someone tries to use an injury that has been life altering for him as a way to try to get more attention for themselves, selfishly.
When John speaks with other people who have been injured, especially those with a TBI, he is sure to tell them that, while he can relate to their pains and struggles, he does not know what their TBI is like and does not know exactly what they are going through. I think this is a more positive way of interacting with other inquired people.
TBI Spouse (and Others) 
Good points. I used to tell clients that some people with a mild TBI recover quickly, but many have residual problems. If someone’s job is very repetitive and the job demands don’t change much, they will be more successful at returning to work, but if someone needs razor sharp attention at all times (like police officers and health care workers) or their job is multi-faceted and fast paced, they will likely struggle with a return to work. It doesn’t mean that one person’s injury is “worse”, it just means that the injuries can impact people in different ways. But human nature seems to lean towards comparisons and “one up man ship”. It’s annoying. But I used to hear families say things like “Our neighbor’s son had a brain injury and he is fine now. Why isn’t my wife fine by now?”