We had a date night earlier this week and we went grocery shopping. I know, not very sexy, but it’s soooooo much easier to get the shopping done sans child.
John handles most of the grocery shopping for our household. As I’ve written before, each time he goes, there is usually a story about the outing that I get to hear, whether it was winning over the grumpy cashier and hence making a friend for life; being flummoxed by asking where the lard was located and then being directed, over a full on hollered exchange between the stocker at the back of the store and the cashier at the front, that it was in the baking aisle, no wait, the Mexican aisle (still labeled as Mexican/Oriental by the way); or debating politics with the guy behind him in line; or punching the self check out register. Yes, you read that right, punching the self check out register. Two stories follow.
The first is an experience I had with John the other night. Going to the store is tough because of the many external things going on in that environment – fluorescent lighting, music pipped in from speakers that are sometimes shot, many customers walking around, and other sights and sounds. For a person with a TBI, this environment is hard to deal with. On this night, John and I navigated through the store and got what we needed without incident. We made our way to check out. Depending upon what I am buying, I will go to the self check out section but, if I have light weight items or lots of veggies, I will choose the in-person cashier. John was working from some outdated assumptions about my preference for self check out and steered us that way. I hesitated for a moment but just went with it.
Standing in front of the register, the cart to my left, John to my right by the bags, I began to scan and bag. I got to a bunch of powder drink mix packages that don’t have much weight to them and started having problems. The scale didn’t read the packages well and the machine began to tell me to replace removed items from the bag or to place the item in the bag. It froze up and started blinking. Meanwhile, John was to my right, blood pressure rising, lots of heavy, loud sighing going on, and the beginnings of mumbled curses. I knew I needed to stay calm and handle the situation quickly or he’d only get more and more agitated, feeding off my own annoyance.
I turned around and saw the cashier who was working the self check out area to help and noticed she’d been very close this whole time and had likely been aware of our issue before the light even indicated a problem. I also noticed she had not yet moved to help us which irritated me. She pretended like she didn’t realize there was a problem and oozed obstinance at my issues bothering her. God forbid she have to deal with an annoying situation at work. She told me to try to continue to scan items which I did and the machine magically began to work again. Well, the minute she turned away it stopped working. I turned, this time ready to be a bit more pointed and saw the young woman had been replaced by a different lady who was more customer focused and was ready to help with a smile. She guided me through the remainder of the process, bless her.
It’s difficult to explain the complexity of this one moment. There were many things occurring all at once and, really the entire scene was only a few minutes long. It was tense and I sighed a breath of relief when we’d paid and were heading out. John the entire time was grumbling and gnashing his teeth and commenting that he was about to punch the register machine. Amazingly he was able to hold it together and not cause a commotion. We were able to go about our lovely date night without incident. I expressed to him later how happy I was that he restrained himself.
The second story I learned of that same night while we were eating. It happened some time ago. John was at the store solo. He was waiting in line for a cashier. This meant waiting in a longer line than what was currently at the self check out but he knew his triggers and made the wise decision to wait a little longer for person-to-person help. A well meaning but eager assistant manager approached John and told him the self check out was open and quicker. John tried to decline but the man was persistent, assuring John he would help him and it would be easy. Famous last words. A similar issue as in the first story occurred during the process and at a point when the assistant had thought John had it under control and was not needed. John couldn’t resolve the issue on his own, couldn’t get the assistant’s help, and who knows what else mixed together but it was volatile. He lost his temper and punched the machine, likely yelling and cussing at it too. I’m sure it caused quite a scene. I don’t believe the machine was damaged, thankfully, and John was able to get the check out process done and he left.
John, at least in my presence and when Eva is around, does not behave like this. There are moments when he is a breath away from it but doesn’t. It’s easier I think to let the emotion get the better of him when we are not around. When Eva or I are around, he desperately does not want to embarrass us or do something that will get us in trouble or cause problems.
It is not okay for John to behave like this. It happens though. He does what he can to avoid things that will trigger him. He will go shopping only if he is rested and tries to go only during less crowded times. He also readily asks people to excuse him because he is brain damaged and has issues speaking or doing certain tasks. It’s actually easier for him if Eva and I are not with him when he is actively shopping. If we are there, one or both of us are more likely to interrupt his thought process and he may forget things, even if it is written on his list. It drives me crazy but I have to refrain from running ahead to grab items. It’s my way of helping and being efficient. It may seem helpful but for him it’s chaotic. He can’t recall what he can check off the list or not. Eva will want to push the cart or ride on it. John cannot deal with that as it’s even more stimulation. When we go to the store as a family, I will typically take Eva to the toy aisle and entertain her while John is shopping and checking out.
Even though the experience of grocery shopping can be difficult for John, I let him do it. I think it’s one thing he can do decently well that is a huge help to the family. He cannot work and struggles doing other household things. This is one of those that he can do. I can step back and let him. Most of the time it all goes well with no major problems except maybe forgotten milk.
TBI Spouse (and Others) 