Just Don’t

A few days ago, I responded to a post on social media where someone had asked how “we” (other TBI partners) keep from contacting the family or person who was driving under the influence and that caused our husband to be injured. I am usually a non-contributing, silent member to the group but this post elicited a quick response from me. I wrote, “Just don’t. It won’t make you feel any better and you don’t know what the person or family are experiencing.”

I have considered the speedy and action inducing reaction I had in more depth and it prompted me to write here. This last TBI was caused by a young man who was high on cocaine and marijuana, and drunk. He decided to get in his car and drive home. He was speeding on an icy road at night and ran over John, who was working that night.

I’m not sure that forgiveness is the right way to explain my response to the young man who caused John’s world to change. I suppose I have forgiven him but it’s more of a feeling of not wanting to dwell on something I have no control over. Is that forgiveness? I rarely think of that guy now. Maybe John thinks about him more often. I don’t wonder what he’s doing now or if he learned anything from the accident and subsequent court hearing, or, if he stopped driving under the influence. I should hope so but it’s not my life. He’s not my concern.

I advised that woman not to give in to her justified feelings of rage and pain and reach out to that person/family because I don’t think anything good would come of it. I am not a vindictive person and don’t often feel the need for revenge but I don’t think lashing out like that would make her feel any better and it certainly wouldn’t make the other group feel better. As I said, she doesn’t know what that family is going through. They have their own demons to come to terms with. You hope they do feel remorse and hope they won’t get behind the wheel intoxicated again but it’s out of our control.

In my experience, it’s best to deal with the things I do have control over, my own life and emotions, than to spend time in anger and victimization over something that has already happened and is done. If I do that then I find myself in more pain and anguish than before. I choose to live life with love and joy and to cherish the many good things. Maybe I can say that more easily now that there is a decade of time between the accident and now.