I have been asked before how our daughter, Eva, who is almost 5 years old, handles all of her dad’s TBI related issues. The short answer is that she handles it fine because to her, this is normal. She does not yet know that not all families have injuries to deal with. I do not even really know what life would be like without an injured husband who is parenting with me.
Even though Eva doesn’t realize anything is different about her home life compared to others, John and I do. We work hard to make conscious decisions about her upbringing.
Last weekend, John took Eva to the beach (giving me a few hours of much needed alone time). They’d been there for awhile when a family arrived and setup their stuff directly in front of Eva and John. It was so bad that Eva could no longer swim there because of their oversized float. It was quite rude of them. (See image) Eva turned to John and said, “Dad, are you getting angry? Are you mad?” John replied that he was a bit annoyed but that she could still swim. She said, “No, I don’t like those people and I’m hungry. I’ve been swimming enough.” That ended that. They had been swimming for a couple of hours by that point so she was likely ready to eat and leave. I think the interchange was interesting though – that she was astute enough to pick up on the subtleties of the situation. She may be picking up some of my behaviors when I step in to deescalate a situation before it even begins to escalate for John.
We regularly talk with Eva about her behavior in relation to John. That when she needs to be quiet around the house or even at times when John snaps and may deal with a situation a little on the harsh side, that it isn’t Eva’s fault. That she hasn’t done anything wrong. (This is only in those cases when she hasn’t in fact done something wrong. She is punished if she oversteps her boundaries.) That daddy has a brain injury so sometimes needs to rest or needs quiet. An example is when we are out at a restaurant, like Chick-fil-A, and the noise or lights get to be too much for John and we have to leave sooner than we’d like. At a place like that Eva is typically playing in the playground area so it is a major let down for her if we have to leave sooner than expected. She knows not to throw a fit but will pout. Once we are in the car, we will explain it to her. It’s still a bummer for her but she understands that it’s what we have to do for dad and it isn’t her fault.
She is a very caring little girl and often wants to contribute and help. I wonder if maybe she will go into healthcare or some other field where she can care for others. Time will tell. Right now she says she wants to be either a doctor or a “firefighter doctor” when she grows up. She may be so tired of living with someone who is injured that she may decide a career like that will be too close to home.
Our end goal with her is to raise a happy and healthy person who thinks before acting. We are doing our best to try to ensure she doesn’t form any enabling characteristics or have a stigma to overcome personally. We are honest and open with her.
Some good things are that we do a lot of family things together. She is included in the team and has a say in many things. Because John is retired and I work M-F, 8-5, him and her get daddy/daughter time every morning. They snuggle together as Eva is waking up, they have breakfast together, John plays good music for Eva and they sing together, etc. For instance, Eva now sings lyrics from The Animals, “House of the Rising Sun.” This one-on-one time with her dad is unique and something she would miss out on if he were working like me.
The routine John has to follow requires all of us to follow. This is annoying but also a good thing. It forces all of us to take time to rest and slow down each day. The routine and structure is excellent for Eva.
I would love to hear from you. Please comment or leave a question.
TBI Spouse (and Others) 
Beautiful. I wish all children had parents as insightful and aware as your daughter. And it sounds like Dad has created a very strong bond. There is a psychologist (John Gottman, I think?) who writes about something I think of as “emotional savings accounts or banks”. If someone is generally nice and kind, every act of love and kindness goes into this emotional bank account. You want to have a big fat bank account built up, so if you get grumpy and say something mean, you lose a little of the bank account funds, but there is plenty to draw on. What destroys relationships is when there are too many withdrawals and not enough deposits. You daughter knows she is loved and safe, and also very sensitive.