The Importance of Routine

We have both always been planners. Spontaneity is something we just can’t appreciate in the way that people who are spontaneous can. While some find this trait to be darn right annoying, I find it to be one of my greatest strengths. In the case of having a life partner who suffers from a TBI, this quality is, in my opinion, a necessity.

John’s daily routine is necessary. The structure of it allows him to function at a higher level and allows him to have more frequent good brain days than fuzzy or bad. Surprises are not good for TBI’s.

His daily routine is as such:

• 6:30am – Wake up to alarm. (This is everyday – weekends, holidays, vacations, or if he stayed up too late the previous night.) Immediately takes 400mg of Motofinal.
• 6:40-7:30/8:00 – Return to bed for 30-90 minutes. This generally includes just closing his eyes and resting, not returning to sleep.
• Once up, he drinks 2 cups of coffee.
• Gets Eva prepared for daycare and drops her off. (During the weekdays.) They both love their daddy/daughter mornings together by the way.
• 9:30 – Returns home. Works on conducting administrative chores such as paying bills, managing doctor’s appointments, or trying to manage the Sisyphean task of dealing with Veteran’s Affairs.
• Noon – Workout routine at home.
• 1:00-3:00pm – Depending upon energy level, will accomplish another to-do item.
• 3:00-5:00 – Takes a 60-90 minute nap. We ask our friends, family, and doctor’s offices to not call during this time.
• 5:00 – Wakes up and either prepares dinner or helps do so.
• 5:45-8:00 – Spends time with family.
• By 8:00pm, he is laying down to unwind.
• At 10:00, he takes Propanonal, 450mg of Wellbutrin, some other drugs for other health issues, and medical marijuana. (Note: without the marijuana, he cannot sleep due to anxiety, difficulty quieting his brain, and headaches.)
• By 11:00-11:30pm, he is asleep. He goes to bed late because he can only sleep for 6.5 hours before he naturally wakes up, alarm or no.

The entire family is impacted by John’s TBI routine. John and I worry sometimes about how the routine effects Eva. I think the structure is good for kids in general but she also has learned to alter her behavior during John’s nap times. She will say things like, “Dad’s sleeping. We need to be quiet.”

I have learned to appreciate the routine in a unique way. When we are on vacation or living day-to-day, I am also forced to slow down, take breaks, and not overfill our time. John’s needs force me to slow down and appreciate the relaxation more.

Another thing about loving someone with a TBI is that I must be a timekeeper. This is particularly true when we are away from the habits and comforts of home. An example: we both enjoy going to museums. I have learned that I must keep track of time so that John takes his medication on time or so that we leave within 2 hours of arriving. (John has about 3 hours of energy to devote to any given task before he starts crashing and burning.) Not only must I be a timekeeper but I also have learned that it’s easier to take one for the team. Let me explain. Once about 2 hours have passed and it’s clear that it’s time for us to leave so that John doesn’t overload himself and become too fatigued, I will let him know. However, I make it sound like I am the one who needs a break, not him. I will say, “Hey, I’m getting tired. Can we leave?” Instead of, “Hey, the timer went off. It’s time to go so you can rest.” If I put the onus on John, he has a tendency to play the martyr and try to push through – never ever a good solution. He also doesn’t like to admit that he’s struggling and needs to rest. If I say it the first way, John has an easier time agreeing. It is, at times, difficult to be selfless in this way. I do it so that John doesn’t always feel like he’s the reason for ending a fun time and because it’s easier than dealing with TBI and personality obstinance.

Another example: Going to concerts used to be something we did as often as we could. Now, they are a rarity. We will go to them but they are bittersweet. The process of getting to them is hard because of the stress of large crowds, parking issues, and traffic. All of which are stressors for TBIs. Most concerts begin at 7:00pm or so and are a distance from home. This means John must take an earlier nap in order to be rested and cognizant enough to make the drive and enjoy the show. It also means that we know, going into it, that he will need to push himself past the 3 hour mark. At concerts in particular, John has to wear special hearing aids that filter noise for him and allow him to focus on the music. However, the hearing aids make it difficult for him to hear me or any other voices. (There is a microphone I can wear clipped onto my shirt, that pairs with his hearing aids. It allows him to hear me when I speak but it is not useful at concerts.) Concerts also typically run later into the evening, ending past John’s bedtime. This and the fact that going to concerts forces John’s brain to work overtime to deal with so much stimulation, makes us have to leave early. This sucks when a concert is really good, you’re hoping to hear that one song that hasn’t yet been played, you want to stay to get all your money’s worth, or you’re enjoying a magical night out together.

I sometimes daydream about what life would be like if we weren’t regimented so strongly by this necessary routine. I don’t linger in these fantasy’s because I have accepted that this is the way it is. I hope that doesn’t sound defeatist. That is not my intent. I have accepted and come to peace with the fact that I have, very much with intention, chosen to stay with John through this and that I must make changes to my life as well in order for that to happen. It helps that I am naturally disposed to routine in my own life.

Please let me know if you have any questions.